


Oh Glory

by Bandom_Squirrel



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:06:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24865777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bandom_Squirrel/pseuds/Bandom_Squirrel
Summary: Being in love doesn’t always make loving yourself any easier.Phanfic based on Oh Glory by Panic! at the Disco.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Kudos: 12





	Oh Glory

[i]I can only hope it's true enough  
That every little thing I do for love  
Redeems me from the moments I deem worthy  
Of the worst things that I've done  
And saves me from myself at times of envy  
When I'm missing everyone[/i]

Dan had never been under the illusion that he was a particularly good person. Not that he didn’t want to be, he did try, but more often than not he found himself failing. From awkward fumbles and missed opportunities to accidental insults and problematic posts, he always felt like he was underneath the normal level of human skill. It wasn’t too infrequently that he was hardly able to get out of bed, lacking the motivation to do anything of any sort. That always seemed to let somebody down, and always left him like a horrible person.  
The one redeeming quality of his life was Phil. Dan was completely aware of how much he relied on Phil, and how he always felt like such a better person when the other man was around. Phil was far from society’s definition of perfect, but he was Dan’s personal idea of perfect. His soulmate, the man who made him feel more like himself than he ever had before. Dan loved him more than he had been aware it was possible to love someone.  
But even Phil could never quite fully stop Dan from hating himself. There were times where the self-doubt and dark thoughts would scream at him, cause him to hole in everything until it just exploded out of him. No matter how long he spent coming to terms with himself, the internalized homophobia never really went away, a constant presence existing for the sole purpose of making his life miserable.  
Multiple times, after reading a particularly nasty comment, all the doubt would explode out of him. He would become convinced that who he loved was wrong, would try to end things with Phil, would try to correct himself to just become normal. Everytime, Phil wouldn’t get upset, would just take all of his yelling, listen to every word that Dan had to get out of his system. Only once he'd exhausted all of his anger and fear would Phil act, stepping forward to hold him and whisper soothing words, do all of the exact right things to save him from his own mind.  
“I love you,” Phil would say, wiping the tears from Dan’s cheeks. “And you love me. What could possibly be wrong with that?”  
Then Phil would kiss him, ever so gently, and Dan could no longer think of a single answer.

If I wake in the morning, I only need  
Two more miracles to be a saint  
Everything I promised everyone I'd be  
Well, I just ain't

Sometimes, Dan would wake up in a dark place. There was never any noticeable trigger of why, just every so often his mind was shrouded in a fog that didn’t allow him to feel anything. It seemed like nothing could get him out of bed, and he just had to wait for the dark spell to pass before he was able to do anything. Those episodes would always leave him vulnerable to his own thoughts, without any emotions, logic, or motivation to protect him.  
As much as he hated it, it made the morning where he woke up normal seem amazing and miraculous. It was worrying just how much the bare-minimum for anyone else so greatly relieved him.  
Those dark days always left Dan feeling entirely guilty. He had an important life. He had friends to keep in touch with, an audience to satisfy, a boyfriend to be good to, and on those days, he did none of those, just lying in bed, unmoving. When he was thinking clearly, he knew it wasn’t his fault, that it was unfortunate body chemistry and mental illness that caused it. Still, he always blamed himself for being too weak to leave his bed, always feeling like he had disappointed the world, when he knew that it was really just himself.

Lately, it seems like  
Everybody's sick, everybody's dying  
Build myself a wall of unhappy hearts  
And only my heart knows my head is lying, lying

The worst days were ones where Dan was fighting with Phil. Most of their fights were petty little quarrels that ended quickly with grumbling and eye-rolls, or ones that would start out heated, but one of them would quickly take the blame and it would be resolved. Every so often, however, one of them wouldn’t back down when they knew it was their fault, and it would result in a mutual silent treatment. At best, these lasted until that evening. At worst, they would last a few days, Dan sleeping in his own bed and hardly acknowledging Phil’s presence.  
It was a few days after one of their worst fights that Dan left his room and entered the kitchen. Phil was eating cereal, his own, for once, and looked up when he came in. Dan tried to look unbothered, plastering a tight smile to his face and attempting to hide how much the days without talking to Phil had ruined him. He was completely aware that it was his own fault they were fighting, and that he should’ve been the one to back down, and that only caused the guilt to weigh down heavier upon him. Phil only to take one glance at him and his fake smile to see through him.  
“Dan, are you alright?” Phil asked, breaking the days worth of silence between them as if it were no big deal. That was just how it worked between them. No argument, no matter how bad, could stop either of them from helping the other one when they so obviously needed it.  
“I’m fine,” Dan replied icily, words coming too quickly and his already unconvincing smile faltering. Phil furrowed his brow in concern, and Dan felt his heartbeat speed up exponentially.  
“You’re a horrible liar,” Phil told him. “Come here.”  
Dan wasn’t quite sure how a few minutes later he ended up in Phil’s arms, crying and pouring his soul out, but he was pretty sure that was just how they worked.

Oh glory, I think I see you 'round the bend  
And I think I'd try any pose and get there, in the end  
Oh glory!

They recorded a video together later that same day, as peppy and energetic on camera as ever. Dan hoped that the video would make people smile, brighten the days of countless people out there. That thought was what made him feel less like he was faking happiness for fame and more like he was making a sacrifice that would help other people.  
It was strange, because by the time they’d finished recording everything they needed, Dan found himself not having to fake his cheerfulness any longer. Maybe it was the video game, maybe it was just that he couldn’t smile and laugh for that long without some of it becoming genuine. Still, he had a hunch that it was at least fifty percent because of Phil.

When I'm looking past the silken sheets  
Take a breath to notice I'm between  
Every little piece of thread and memories  
That constitute your dreams

It was that night, when Dan was lying in bed with Phil curled around his side, that he let his thoughts drift. He had just put his laptop away, after Phil had told him it was far too late to still be on Tumblr, but sleep wasn’t coming to him. He let his gaze travel from where it had been resting on the ceiling to the man lying next to him, a small smile playing on his lips. While he could tell that Phil wasn’t asleep yet, he still looked peaceful with his eyes closed and cheek pressed against Dan’s shoulder.  
“I’m sorry,” Dan said, not exactly without thinking, but not really meaning to. The problem was less that he didn’t think enough before speaking and more that he thought too much.  
“For what?” Phil asked without opening his eyes. Dan hated how they were both used to this, to his bouts of self-doubt late at night.  
“For not being your dream guy,” Dan elaborated. This time, Phil did open his eyes tilting his head up to shoot a confused look up at Dan.  
“Who says you’re not my dream guy?” Phil questioned, earning a humorless laugh from Dan in return.  
“How could I possibly be?” Dan answered, shifting his position so he was sitting up. “I’m always yelling at you for things that were my fault, and shutting you out, and then expecting you to hold me while I bawl my eyes out. How could that possibly be what you dreamed of?”  
“Well,” Phil started, mimicking Dan’s movement to sit back against the pillows. “You’re not exactly the kind of person I expected to end up with, but you’re the only person that I want now. Your flaws are part of what make you the man I love.” Dan would be lying if he said that part of his heart didn’t seem to melt at that.  
“This wasn’t where I expected myself to be before I met you either,” Dan said, instead of what he wanted to say, which was I love you I love you I love you don’t leave me. “Back then, part of me still thought the whole gay thing was going to go away, and that I’d end up becoming a lawyer and marrying a woman and having a perfect picket fence lifestyle.”  
“I can’t imagine you living like that,” Phil commented, and Dan was sure that he detected a small note of bitterness in his tone. That just caused another wave of guilt to crash over him.  
“I don’t think I’d be able to be happy like that,” Dan continued quickly. “It’s what I expected, but not what I dreamed of. This is all I’ve wanted since I met you.”  
“Okay then,” Phil replied, seeming content. “We love each other, and this is what we both want, so you can stop getting all existential over this and we can go to sleep.” Dan found himself smiling along and lying back down.

If I wake in the morning, I only need  
Two more miracles to be a saint  
Everything I promised everyone I'd be  
Well, I just ain't

When Dan woke up the next morning, it was to a familiar darkness in his mind and hollowness inside his chest. Rolling over slightly, he buried his face into his pillow, not wanting to move. He wished that he wanted to move, wanted to have enough motivation to do anything besides lay still and let the negative thoughts talk him steadily further into the dark place.  
Phil, as always, tried to help him, but he had seen this enough times to know that nothing he did could save Dan from his own mind. Phil was exceptional, but he was no miracle worker. When he tried to talk to Dan and only got a quiet groan in response, he sighed and whispered something soothing to him before getting out of bed and leaving the room.  
The worst part was the feeling that he’d somehow disappointed Phil. Dan kept repeating to himself that it wasn’t his fault, but Phil just seemed so sad whenever Dan was like this, and he hated whenever Phil was sad. When it felt like it was his own fault, he only hated it more. It made sense. His hatred was always much more severe when it was directed at himself.

Lately, it seems like  
Everybody's sick, everybody's dying  
Build myself a wall of unhappy hearts  
And only my heart knows my head is lying, lying

“Dan, sit up.” Phil’s voice just barely registered in Dan’s mind, and he still hardly processed what his words meant. The sensation of Phil’s hand on his back was much more noticeable, the warmth from his skin a tangible presence. Dan just groaned in reply, no part of him finding any reason to get up. However, the decision was made for him when Phil’s hands were suddenly pulling him upright, and he managed to find even less reason to fight it. It was then that he noticed that Phil was holding out a plate of toast. “Come on, eat.”  
“Not hungry,” Dan mumbled, leaning back against the pillows and closing his eyes. Even just the smell of the toast Phil was holding caused a wave of nausea to roll through his stomach.  
“Please? I don’t want to have made you breakfast in bed for nothing,” Phil pleaded, and Dan almost gave in from the guilt Phil’s tone brought to him. Still, food sounded completely unappealing at the moment and even Phil’s begging wasn’t enough to make any more movement than necessary seem worth the energy.  
“You didn’t have to. I’m not ill,” Dan argued, cracking one eye open to look at Phil, who was sighing but determinedly standing his ground.  
“Just because you’re physically okay doesn’t mean you’re not ill,” Phil said patiently, and Dan remembered hearing variations of those words countless times before. “And you’re not going to eat when you’re like this if I don’t make you.”  
“Fine,” Dan agreed grudgingly, more because he lacked the will to fight than because he wanted to. Phil relaxed visibly and handed him a piece of toast, and with great effort, he took a bite. While the scent made his head ache and stomach twist, it simply tasted bland on his tongue.  
Dan managed to eat one piece of toast, and afterwards Phil seemed to take pity on him and not make him eat more. Dan knew that he could get up, that if he had a reason he could fake his feelings and motivation and go about the day as usual, with the price of exhausting himself even further and not doing anything to lessen the thoughts. When he’d only be seeing Phil, however, there was no use, as he could see right through all his facades.  
It was always despairing how even with Phil pressed up against his side, the darkness still made him feel completely alone. It was as if there were an impenetrable wall separating him from the rest of the world, including the man right beside him.

Oh glory, I think I see you 'round the bend  
And I think I'd try any pose and get there, in the end  
Oh glory

The next day, Dan was feeling much better when he awoke. Sometimes the episodes lasted multiple days, sometimes just a few hours, but they most commonly lasted a day. Still, it was always a relief to wake up and feel in control after feeling so completely out of it.  
Phil wasn’t in bed next to him when Dan woke up, but he could hear the sounds of him in the kitchen, probably eating his cereal again. For a few minutes, he let himself just lie in bed, enjoying thoughts that felt like his own and the ability to want to move.  
There was still some leftover guilt and self-doubt from the day before that stirred in his mind, and the uncertainty of when the darkness would come again or if it was ever truly gone. Mostly, though, he just let himself feel the utter appreciation he felt for Phil that he hadn’t been able to fully experience the day before.  
Phil was incredible, Dan knew, and amazing and perfect and sweet and exactly why the darkness never quite fully overpowered him. Everything he did seemed to cause the part of Dan that still had hope to light up, letting him believe in cliches like soulmates and true love because he couldn’t see any other explanation for it. All of his encouraging words and thoughtful actions kept Dan going, and his positivity and undying faith in Dan made that hopeful part of him grow bigger every day they spent together.  
Sometimes, Phil was all that mattered to Dan. He had become such a large reason that he was still sane that it was often impossible to have any motivation besides the other man. As he lay in bed with the morning sunlight dancing across the sheets, he was sure that the amount of love he felt for him had to break some sort of record. In that moment, he was positive he would do anything to make Phil happy.  
But as he walked into the kitchen to see Phil turn to face him, perking up and excitedly saying “Dan! I made you pancakes!” with his blinding smile on his face and batter speckling his shirt, Dan knew he didn’t need to.


End file.
